How to Live

My friend Dave used to say, in his Dave way, that there should be a Death Channel to prepare you for the inevitable. Dave lost his mother a few years before my mother passed away, so his outrageous statements were also grounded in this perspective.

My cousin Sharon just called from Michigan and my dear Aunt Ruth is likely dying right now, something we were expecting but of course you never really are prepared for.

I talked to my Aunt a couple days ago, the evening after I went to the New York Stock Exchange opening bell ceremony. She didn't have a great day but we had a wonderful conversation and some laughs, as we always do. She said that they turned on CNN to watch me on TV. I said that I wasn't part of the small balcony group -- at least this time!! My Aunt remarked that I sure lead an interesting life and it sounded like a lot of fun "More fun than a hospital bed!" as she put it. My Aunt, like my mother, both had a true joie de vivre, and their approach to life continues to teach me, truly, how to live, and how to love.

Last week I had randomly stumbled upon an article written by Bill Gates Senior called "The Older You Grow, The Taller You Get." I discovered it was an excerpt from a book he had written called "Showing Up for Life: Thoughts on the Gifts of a Lifetime" so downloaded it and read it immediately. In addition to his perspective on leadership - which he ties to family and a life of service and being a good global citizen -- it truly shows a life well lived, and certainly the roots of the values instilled in a very famous son. And in Mr. Gates' 83rd year, he's enjoying an extraordinary third act of his life, as Executive Director with his son and daughter in law of The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which is channeling enormous resources, time and talent toward's some of the world's biggest problems.

I was most drawn to his discussions about his wife, who passed away shortly after Bill (Trey) and Melinda Gates were married. She sounded like an amazing woman - full of life and love and joy - and some of her zest reminded me of my mother and aunt's fun-loving ways, and truly generous hearts.

So I need to borrow the words of others as I can't find my own right now. Here's the chapter I loved the most:

I remember helping Mary prepare a toast to Trey and Melinda that took the form of a letter to Melinda, based on the wedding vows. We cherish a picture of her delivering the toast, looking vibrant and beautiful. Here's Mary's letter.

Dear Melinda:

In just a few hours you will be married and you and I will share the same name! Although Bill and i have been married forty-two years, we continue to learn what it means to be married.

"To love and to cherish"

Celebrate his good points and remember you don't have t love everything about him. If you see some things about him that you simply have to improve upon (things his mother did not get just right) recognize...reforming a husband is a long term project and it doesn't always work out. Sometimes it is better to reform one's own expectations.

"For better or for worse"

Don't expect calm waters. Pray for courage. Keep your sense of humor. No man and woman ever had a perfectly harmonious marriage. A good marriage takes effort, resilience and suppression of personal ego, but the fundamental requirement is living with the fixed vision that your relationship is permanent and forever.

"For richer or for poorer"

There have been but few couples for whom this phrase has had such special meaning. Every day will test the need for a sense of humility about your circumstances. Your lifetime together will, in the end, be a verdict on your recognition of the extraordinary obligations which accompany extraordinary resources.

"In sickness and in health"

As you know in the past few months, we have had a chance to reflect quite directly on promises to stand by one another in sickness and in health. This challenge has brought a new depth to our relationship. Of course the waters have not always been smooth, but I can't imagine not being married to Bill! I hope you will have this same feeling 42 years from now about your Bill Gates.

Love, Mary

In delivering this toast orally Mary shared a quote from the Bible, the Gospel of Luke XII 48: "For unto whom much is given, of him shall be much required." This has become the basis of one of the two main values of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Mary passed away on June 10, 1994.